Cloudy outside, Cloudy inside

I can't quite work out how I'm feeling today. We've had the terrible news of Michael Jackson & Farrah Fawcett's deaths and I think that's saddened my heart a little...more for the family and friends they've left behind I think. But for me personally, I'm feeling particularly sad about the loss of my baby again. No particular reason why, I think it's just been a while since I gave it much thought and now I'm feeling guilty. Although earlier this week we were reminded of our horrible scan where the baby should have been but wasn't. On Weds we had a DVD at our house for church, it was about the effects of abortion on our nation (and worldwide too), there was a doctor on there that shows women, who want an abortion, their baby on a scan before he allows them to 'terminate' the pregnancy. Most of them change their mind and don't kill the baby after all. Seeing that healthy baby on the scan screen was lovely, but it was a painful reminder to us that we didn't see that, our screen was an empty womb :o(

I've just chatted to a friend on googlechat and ended up sobbing for a few minutes. I'm so grateful to God for her popping up like that just then. She understands because it seems that she goes through the same thing at the same time as me since she lost her baby just a week before I lost mine.

Aren't our hearts just so fragile! One minute I'm almost bouncing up the street feeling great, smiling at everyone, happy happy happy, the next I'm sitting in home sobbing for the baby I lost. How can it be so fine one minute and the next feel like I've been hit by that truck again?? In a strange way I needed this though, I needed to know that my baby is still missed by me, that even though I'm ok, I'm also not quite right...I can't let go, I can't forget this baby...but it's so easy to not think about him for a few days (or not think much about him at least). I'm not ready to let go. Do I have to? I'm still taking a day at a time I think, I just hadn't realised how quickly some of those days would go by.

Thank you God for good friends to help and support, to understand and pray/hurt/love with me. Keep us all, and help us all in our good and tough times. We can only do this by your amazing grace. Holy Spirit will you comfort us all in those painful moments and keep nudging us onwards.

Hearing the Heartbeat

Hearing the Heartbeat, Leicester Trinity Life Church - 20th June 2009

Today I went a women's conference with Cheryl and Andie. We had some great worship and lots of opportunity to respond to God in our worship, listen to him and reach out to him. It’s been great and so refreshing.

I responded at the end to the call for prayer to “realign” ourselves to God/our relationship with God. I feel my response is a continuation of something God has been doing in my life for the last year or so. Last week he called me back to his Word, with a specific challenge at Rotherham New Life Centre, to read the bible every day...because I WANT to not because I HAVE to. He gave me a new desire and hunger to read his word. It’s been a more natural thing for me to just pick up the Word and read it for 10 mins here and there throughout the day, so not just the obligatory once off to feel better about myself. I actually love reading it and hearing God :o) Today’s response was an extension of that and what God started doing in me last year (year before?) through God TV and the Lakeland, Florida Revival aired on there. God called me back to worship through that and has been calling me back to prayer through that and other things. I believe God has used today to start bringing it all together into a more meaningful relationship with my God and Father. My relationship with Him is becoming a very precious thing to me. I don’t want anything or anyone in the way of that.

I wondered whether today would bring a new direction for my life, whether God might tell me I have to start doing something new or go somewhere new, but in fact it seems he's just telling me to carry on what I’m doing; work wise, home, college, church...all of it.

I have decided I need to start looking to him for direction at church though. I’m not sure whether I’ll be ‘doing’ much for a while, given that I struggle to do what I have to do for work and home right now. But things don’t always start off immediately when we seek Him and pray about stuff, it can be a progression over a period of time. I’m going to start seeking Him for my purpose at church and see where that takes me. If he wants me involved somewhere with something I’m not already doing I’ll ask him to help me fit things in. I need to trust him for whatever he’s got next. I guess if I release myself into his care daily, he’ll keep me on the right path and show me what’s next, where and when.

Looking to the future

Wow it's been a while since I needed to post on here! God's good and keeping me afloat, he's putting people around me to support me and my relationship with Will is stronger than ever.

The sadness is of course still there, but my focus is more and more on our future. We're trusting God for his perfect timing for our next baby, just hoping that it's not going to be too long!