Cloudy outside, Cloudy inside

I can't quite work out how I'm feeling today. We've had the terrible news of Michael Jackson & Farrah Fawcett's deaths and I think that's saddened my heart a little...more for the family and friends they've left behind I think. But for me personally, I'm feeling particularly sad about the loss of my baby again. No particular reason why, I think it's just been a while since I gave it much thought and now I'm feeling guilty. Although earlier this week we were reminded of our horrible scan where the baby should have been but wasn't. On Weds we had a DVD at our house for church, it was about the effects of abortion on our nation (and worldwide too), there was a doctor on there that shows women, who want an abortion, their baby on a scan before he allows them to 'terminate' the pregnancy. Most of them change their mind and don't kill the baby after all. Seeing that healthy baby on the scan screen was lovely, but it was a painful reminder to us that we didn't see that, our screen was an empty womb :o(

I've just chatted to a friend on googlechat and ended up sobbing for a few minutes. I'm so grateful to God for her popping up like that just then. She understands because it seems that she goes through the same thing at the same time as me since she lost her baby just a week before I lost mine.

Aren't our hearts just so fragile! One minute I'm almost bouncing up the street feeling great, smiling at everyone, happy happy happy, the next I'm sitting in home sobbing for the baby I lost. How can it be so fine one minute and the next feel like I've been hit by that truck again?? In a strange way I needed this though, I needed to know that my baby is still missed by me, that even though I'm ok, I'm also not quite right...I can't let go, I can't forget this baby...but it's so easy to not think about him for a few days (or not think much about him at least). I'm not ready to let go. Do I have to? I'm still taking a day at a time I think, I just hadn't realised how quickly some of those days would go by.

Thank you God for good friends to help and support, to understand and pray/hurt/love with me. Keep us all, and help us all in our good and tough times. We can only do this by your amazing grace. Holy Spirit will you comfort us all in those painful moments and keep nudging us onwards.