Feeling empty

Well things are getting easier as promised by others that have been there before me, I'm thankful to Father for that. I've also learned that for me there is a pattern of sorts at the moment; I'll have a few good days or so, then the sadness will settle for a time and I'll need the release of tears. I'll remember my baby and how he left me, and it will hurt for a while. I'll cry and Will comforts me and then I'm ok again for a while longer.

Just lately though I've become more aware of my empty uterus, my baby is gone and I'm waiting for my next blessing still. I've had my first period since the baby went, that was tough but a relief. It came earlier than expected, but I'm grateful for this as it will make dating the next pregnancy easier and I didn't have to wait as long as I thought to start getting back to normal. I'm not too good at waiting so this worked out well and I'm grateful to God that the wait was short this time. Now I just have to wait for ovulation, etc!

There seems to be so many lovely pregnant bellies around right now and its lovely to see, but it makes me feel so much more empty at times. I don't know how long I will have to wait for God to fill that void again...not too long I hope, but I trust him still for his good and perfect time.

Loneliness

Last week was in general a good week. I was sad of course, but nothing I couldn't handle. Saturday night however it all started to hit me again. I kept thinking of that scan screen...nothing on it where we should have been meeting our new baby for the first time...on screen at least. I just felt so sad and empty at that point. Will came and sat with me...lots of cuddles and understanding. I went to bed feeling a bit better, but woke up and eventually is set in again. Church was difficult because I needed hugs from some but didn't feel able to ask so I didn't get any because no-one's a mind reader hey! Felt better in the afternoon, after I'd had a good chat with my mum. But then it started again in the evening...just a bit, and this morning it's been tough again, just a bit. Only thing is I've had 2 pre-schoolers to look after since lunch time and I just need space. They've argued and bickered and I'm worn out. I got to the point where I was on the floor in the kitchen sobbing. I don't know where to go, if anywhere...who to see, if anyone. Will rang and that helped a bit, but he's at work till late so there will be no hugs from anyone (except my beautiful kids), until after 7.30 tonight. I'd love to go to bed for the afternoon and not have to think about anyone at all for a bit.

Looking up...already?!!

I feel so strange today. I've not really had much to write this last few days, not even on the anniversary the news was given to us that we'd lost our baby. Don't get me wrong, I've felt sad, but there really hasn't been much else. I've not shed many tears and I feel ashamed! I should be grateful I'm feeling more normal, but I feel like I should have cried more, felt sadder longer. All I'm left with is a sadness deep inside, but it doesn't bring tears...only every now and then does it threaten, but they just don't come. I wonder what the next day or week will hold, will it hit me again or have I finished grieving...the really intense part at least. Maybe it will be later on when I see a newborn for the first time since my little one went back to Father, or maybe it will be much later, closer to the time when ours should have been born.

Father, will you take us close to yourself again. Comfort us, me, through this strange time where I can't make sense of what's happening...the lack of tears, etc.

Cried a river

Today has been a mixed bag. It was my first time at church since the scan that turned our lives upsidedown. Last time I was there I was afraid of the worst but didn't know it for sure.



Being there with all those that matter to me most was wonderful...although there were a few precious ones that didn't make it to church today for one reason or another, we were with God's own special ones and he brought us comfort in that. But somehow on the other hand, being there with those who should have been sharing our pregnancy was painful too because I was reminded that this wasn't the case any more. Then there were the two babies 5 months old and one even younger. They were precious, but it took me by surprise when it hurt to hear one of them crying for the comfort of it's mum's touch. I just want my baby back, to feel him grow inside me and then to hold him for myself. I cried my way through the worship session, managing to sing just a little from time to time before the pain hit me again. I'm so grateful to have my darling Will there with me to hold me and love me.



This evening has been even harder. People don't seem to understand that just because "it's been a week now", I can't just start to get over it! I don't know, maybe I misunderstood what they were saying, but this is only just starting to sink in, it's going to be a while yet before I start to feel normal again surely... Even then it will always be with me, and knowing what I'm like, there will always be a sadness, somewhere within me.

If only I didn't have to spend time wondering/worrying whether I've done something or said something to upset or annoy someone else. I just need to spend some time worrying about myself and my nearest ones, without stressing that I've done something wrong somewhere else! I did my best to text everyone to let them know about our loss, but when it comes down to it, I've just lost my baby..am I not allowed to make a small mistake and miss ONE person out?!! This is about ME and MY family and what WE'VE lost, nothing else right now!

Thank you Father God for your love, and the prayers of your people at this time, those that understand specifically what we're going through and those that don't pretend to understand but are there for us anyway. Keep them and love them, protect them and their loved ones. Amen xx

Trying to make sense of myself

It's been a good day today, but how is that possible? It's not even a week since we KNEW of our loss! Is this normal? I have had a few wobbles, just the odd moment where I could have sunk if I had the time or space, but it soon went away with my distractions. It just feels odd to not have had a cry today. I wonder what tomorrow will bring? Will it be the same? Will I cry again? It doesn't feel like I've cried enough given the what/who I've lost!

I'm grateful to Father for how today has gone. I wanted to be able to enjoy the company of my friends this afternoon, and I did :) It just feels odd to me right now.

Day 1 - The scan

We went for the scan and to cut a long story short, she told us and showed us there was nothing there. Did I get it wrong, was the positive test result incorrect? If not when did my baby leave me? Was it the 'clot' on Sunday or was that just the remains of a placenta?? Do I even need the answers to these questions that are running through my head and sending me dizzy??

Back to the nurse that booked us in, she was very gentle and kind, took a wee sample for a pg/hormone test which showed up positive for pregnancy hormones still, not surprisingly she said. Next step to make sure everything goes back to normal is to have a blood test straight away then another on Thursday to check again. I just have to wait for call from hospital with results and whether they need to do anything else or not. But as the scan showed that there wasn't anything there she didn't think they would need to do anything else.

Will and I left the hospital... numb, I guess. We'd kinda expected it but of course were hoping we were wrong. So what now? We just had to go home and start 'dealing with it', finding out how we felt, the process of grieving, etc. What a confusing time.

How can I make sense of what I'm feeling....?

Grief is such a strange thing. You can ask others about their experience, whether with a similar loss or not and they can sound like their explaining how you're feeling...then on the other hand they can be explaining something totally different. How am I supposed to know if I'm 'doing it right' if we're all so different and our experience is so different. I just feel so lost right now.

Fading away

Friday 1st May was the start of the bleeding. I'd had some when my baby was about 5 weeks, but we put that down to 'implantation bleed' as it wasn't much and no pain or anything, but this time it was different. Instead of getting better it got slightly worse with some pain/more discomfort. I rang the docs and went in on Friday afternoon. He booked me in for a scan, but they couldn't get me in till Tuesday morning. The bleeding continued over the weekend till Sunday I had more pain and eventually passed a 'clot', which in hindsight must've been what was left of the pregnancy, whether it was the baby or not only Father knows.



On Sunday at church before the clot came away, I found myself out of the service and in the loos crying, a friend followed me and prayed and cried with me. The tears were so intense I think now looking back there was an element of grief there already, even though I was still hoping for the best. After the service another friend prayed for healing...unsure of whether to pray for the baby's healing or just mine, she prayed for the Father's will and strength for us all. It was about 10 minutes later that the 'clot' came away. I felt an amazing peace...I was so surprised I wasn't panicking. The pains started to ease more steadily after this point and the bleeding wasn't so much. Now it was just a matter of waiting for that scan to show us what was/wasn't happening inside me.

My place to think out loud when spoken words fail me

This is my place to 'think out loud' since I recently lost my precious little baby 'Peanut'. My thoughts may be random or they may be well collected, but they need to find form somehow and this helps me to think them out.