Cried a river

Today has been a mixed bag. It was my first time at church since the scan that turned our lives upsidedown. Last time I was there I was afraid of the worst but didn't know it for sure.



Being there with all those that matter to me most was wonderful...although there were a few precious ones that didn't make it to church today for one reason or another, we were with God's own special ones and he brought us comfort in that. But somehow on the other hand, being there with those who should have been sharing our pregnancy was painful too because I was reminded that this wasn't the case any more. Then there were the two babies 5 months old and one even younger. They were precious, but it took me by surprise when it hurt to hear one of them crying for the comfort of it's mum's touch. I just want my baby back, to feel him grow inside me and then to hold him for myself. I cried my way through the worship session, managing to sing just a little from time to time before the pain hit me again. I'm so grateful to have my darling Will there with me to hold me and love me.



This evening has been even harder. People don't seem to understand that just because "it's been a week now", I can't just start to get over it! I don't know, maybe I misunderstood what they were saying, but this is only just starting to sink in, it's going to be a while yet before I start to feel normal again surely... Even then it will always be with me, and knowing what I'm like, there will always be a sadness, somewhere within me.

If only I didn't have to spend time wondering/worrying whether I've done something or said something to upset or annoy someone else. I just need to spend some time worrying about myself and my nearest ones, without stressing that I've done something wrong somewhere else! I did my best to text everyone to let them know about our loss, but when it comes down to it, I've just lost my baby..am I not allowed to make a small mistake and miss ONE person out?!! This is about ME and MY family and what WE'VE lost, nothing else right now!

Thank you Father God for your love, and the prayers of your people at this time, those that understand specifically what we're going through and those that don't pretend to understand but are there for us anyway. Keep them and love them, protect them and their loved ones. Amen xx